You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
