my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
no. you can't hotbox the world.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
