You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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