ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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