I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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