if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
