why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
