My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
