I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
When did angry sex become our thing?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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