I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
