i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
