Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
