You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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