My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
