just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
