i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
