Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
