I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
