I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
