hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
