My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
