I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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