Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
