totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
