so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
