please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
