He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
