sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
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