What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
