Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
