I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
