Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
