can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
