i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
