I am full of burrito and curiosity
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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