Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Even the bartender felt bad for me
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
