I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
