So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
So many bounce houses so little time
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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