how hairy? two words: wookie tits
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
