I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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