me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
