I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
