I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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