Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
