he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
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