Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
