Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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