Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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