What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
