Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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