you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
